Dear Friends and Readers,
I was humbled and honoured to be requested for an interview by ProductiveMuslim.com, which is a great web resource for any Muslim who wants to change their life for the better.
Please listen to this audio interview, share your constructive feedback with me.
Take care
wassalam
Taha Ghayyur
tahag @ rogers.com
Filed under Personal Development
“We still have half an hour to the next prayer”
“I can start the assignment next week”
“The early bird deadline is tomorrow. Insha Allah, I will try to purchase them soon”
“Last minute Eid shopping is so exciting!”
These are some examples of excuses we make to put off important responsibilities and tasks to a later time. This is called procrastination, which is usually accompanied by shifting our focus to some other distraction.
There are many reasons people procrastinate, some more dangerous than others. Here are common causes of procrastination cited by psychologists:
Here are insights into the workings of procrastinators by two leading experts on procrastination, Dr. Joseph Ferrari (De Paul University, Chicago) and Dr. Timorthy Pychyl, Ph.D. (Carleton University, Ottawa). [i]
20% of people are chronic procrastinators. For them procrastination is a lifestyle. And it cuts across all domains of their life. They don’t pay bills on time. They miss opportunities for buying tickets to concerts. They don’t cash gift certificates or checks. They file income tax returns late.
Procrastinators are not born. Procrastination is usually learned in the family environment. It is one response to an authoritarian parenting style. Having a harsh, controlling parent hinders children from developing the ability to regulate themselves, from articulating their intentions, and from making life decision for themselves.
Procrastinators tell lies to themselves. These include, “I’ll feel more like doing this tomorrow” and “I work best under pressure.” But in fact they do not get the urge the next day or work well under pressure.
Procrastinators actively look for distractions, particularly ones that don’t take a lot of commitment on their part. Checking e-mail is a good example. They distract themselves to manage emotions like the fear of failure.
Those who are used to delaying things till a later time or like doing things last minute don’t realize the costs of procrastination.
Chronic procrastinators suffer from multiple health problems. Just over the course of a single academic term, procrastinating college students had such evidence of compromised immune systems as more colds and flu, more gastrointestinal problems. Moreover, they had insomnia. [ii]
Procrastination has a high cost to others as well as to oneself; it shifts the burden of responsibilities onto others, who become resentful. Procrastination destroys teamwork in the workplace and private relationships.
Procrastinators think that tomorrow is guaranteed to them. How can they put off an immediate priority, an obligatory act, or a good deed till a time when they may not even be alive?
Even if they live till tomorrow, they cannot be certain that their day will free of obstacles and distractions. How can they be sure they will have the time and energy to carry out that action? The Prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, used to call on Muslims to take the initiative to do good deeds before any problems arise.
For instance, he said, “Lose no time to do good deeds before you are caught up by one of seven calamities awaiting you:
1. a starvation which may impair your wisdom;
2. a prosperity which may mislead you;
3. an ailment which may damage your health;
4. an old age which may harm your senses;
5. a sudden death;
6. the Dajjal (Antichrist);
7. or Doomsday, which is indeed the hardest and most bitter.”
(at-Tirmidhi, al-Baihaqi)
Procrastinators don’t appreciate the time, means, and opportunity Allah gives them to be productive. As Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, once stated, “Good health and spare time are two of the blessings of Allah with respect to which many people are deceived.” (Al-Bukhari)
Each day has its own share of work and each time has its own share of obligations. Therefore there is no such thing as idle time.
Postponement of good deeds and delaying of charitable acts leads people to become accustomed to ignoring them gradually. After a while they don’t even feel what good they are missing. Procrastination can eventually lead to sinning.
[ii] H. Marano, Procrastination: Ten Things To Know.
Filed under Muslim Youth, Personal Development
By Taha Ghayyur
I have always wanted to do one extraordinary thing for my dad to express my deep appreciation for his every little and munificent act of kindness and affection towards me.
I looked for material gifts, unique private moments, ways to fulfill his dreams for me, and every opportunity to win over his heart.
I often recall the things that my father did for me that only a loving and caring father could do: waiting patiently for hours at the doctor’s office when I was sick after an excruciatingly long day at work; making special efforts to help me learn the rules of Quran recitation and beautifying it; encouraging me to write and speak as he spent weekends editing my writings and speeches when I was 12 years old; walking around the Kaba in the jam-packed season of Ramadan with me on his shoulders; driving me to my friends’ parities and Islamic events in the middle of a blizzard; gently advising me when I got into trouble at school; his teary eyes as he raised his hands asking Allah to guide me and to make me an achiever in this life and the hereafter; and countless other sacrifices that even a book won’t be able to justice to.
You may be able to list similar favours that your dad has showered on you throughout your life.
Of course I realized I can never make up to my parents for their lifelong care and training, which is affirmed by the words of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him.
But I wondered, how could I truly implement God’s command: “We have enjoined on man and woman (to be good) to his/her parents; show gratitude to Me and to your parents; to Me is (your final) Goal” (31:14).
As I grew up, graduated, got married and became a father myself, I realized there really isn’t just “one special thing” you can do to express your gratitude to your father. There isn’t “one special day”, such as his birthday or the Father’s Day, that you can set aside to celebrate fatherhood. It would be unfair to “payback” your father with a material gift or a celebration once a year for his years of devotion and painstaking efforts to raise you and to transform you into a successful person.
It is supposed to be a lifelong commitment on your part to take care of your father, his needs, and his wishes. It is the little things you can do for him on regular basis that really count.
There are many genuine and proven ways to connect with your dad, to sincerely thank him for the remarkable sacrifices he has made for you, to raise his spirits, and to assist him as he ages.
1. Understand Your Dad’s Nature: Dealing with father is quite different from dealing with mother, especially in the traditional families. Father is commonly perceived to be emotionless, difficult to comprehend, and hard to please.
You may not ever be able to discover your dad’s true feelings at times for multiple reasons:
This fundamental understanding of your father’s nature and expressions will help you connect with him more effectively.
2. Acknowledge Your Dad’s Worries and Concerns for You: What is the utmost concern as your father jumps out of his bed every morning? What stresses him out the most as he juggles multiple tasks at work? What goes on in his mind when he prays? What emotions and fears make his nights sleepless at times? What are his aspirations?
Chances are a majority of his anxieties, stress, prayers, and hopes involves you. Whether your father regularly shares his feelings or concerns with you and the family, make sure you make an attempt to identify and recognize his worries for you and your future. As parents grow older, they want to be heard. You may not agree with everything, but this simple gesture of listening to your father will give him the respect and sense of authority he deserves.
3. Involve Your Dad in Decision-Making: When was the last time you consulted your father regarding your academic or career goals? Did you ever update him on school grades (apart from the reason that the grades may be floating ‘below the C level’)? Do you discuss with him the criteria that you wish to use in selecting your marriage partner? Did you get his suggestion on naming your child?
This process of mutual consultation or ‘Shura’ is not only healthy, but it is a right of every family member, specially your parents, to be part of. Of course, you can’t incorporate everyone’s wishes in the making of you career or marriage, but the fact you sought your dad’s feedback and gave it a serious thought should be enough to ease his heart.
4. Fulfill Your Dad’s Dreams for Success: If there is one paramount concern shared by every father in the world, it is his son’s or daughter’s success. How often do you hear your dad say, “The only thing I want for you is success,” or “I want you to focus on building your career so you can be successful”.
While you may consider such wishes as insignificant, it is essential to pay due attention to his genuine desires. No doubt, most immigrant Muslim parents exhaust their time, energies, and finances to get their kids the best level of education. This is their way of contributing to your success.
Learn to show gratitude and concern. You cannot always fulfill your dad’s academic or career dreams for you by becoming either a doctor or engineer, but you can certainly excel in a profession that you are passionate about and could specialize in. Prove to him that you are ‘successful’ in your own way. Explain to him that ‘success’ is relative. What could be of greater joy to a father to see his son or daughter a winner in both worlds? Showing your dad you are achiever is a sure heart pleaser.
5. Attribute Your Positive Traits and Success to Your Dad: Many of us think that our success in life and positive qualities are exclusive to us. We ‘earned’ all the fame ourselves. We deserve all the credit.
If you are a successful business person, recall how your father trained you to deal with people and transferred his business acumen to you. If you are a charismatic leaders today, recognize the confidence your dad instilled in you to lead and move people. If you are a rising artist, remember how you father encouraged you to express yourself and helped you practice. If people praise you for gentle demeanour and honourable character, recount the noble manners of your father.
Studies on parent-child relationships and child welfare show that father’s love is a vital factor in predicting the social, emotional, and cognitive development and functioning of children and young adults.
Give your parents the credit they deserve. Say it publicly. Let people around you, who benefit from your success and positive qualities, about the source of your success. Even if your father didn’t play a direct role in your success and fame, acknowledge your father’s patience, support, and love in getting you there. Nothing could win over a father’s heart faster than a simple credit to his lifelong commitment to your development.
6. Spend Quality Time with Your Dad: It is strange that many of us, including practicing Muslims, could hang out at events and parties, or simply chat over the phone with friends for hours, yet have no time to spare for our parents. Such an attitude indeed reminds me of the reality of Prophet’s, peace be upon him, statement about the Day of Judgement: A time will come when people will greet their friends warmly, and approach their parents with a cold attitude (Bukhari).
Carve out a day and time at least once a week to visit your father and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. Go on a long walk or take him out for lunch.
7. Express Your Gratitude: How often do you say a simple “Thank You” or “Jazakallahu Khayran” to your father for daily favours? What about expressing your gratitude to him for raising you as a good Muslim? You owe him big Jazaks, every breath of your life!
As the Prophet stated, “The one who does not give thanks for a small blessing will not give thanks for a great blessing, and the one who does not give thanks to people will not give thanks to Allah” (Abud Dunya).
Be a little creative when you really want to express your gratitude to your dad. Say it with a personal thank you card. Show it with flowers. Accompany it with a genuine smile. Charge it with emotions. Enhance it with a meal or a meaningful gift.
8. Be Extra Caring and Concerned in Your Dad’s Difficult Times: Whether it is an illness, chronic depression, or a job loss, this is the phase of life when he really needs you and your time. Your presence, physical help, comforting words, and prayers are crucial to his healing and happiness. Remember, nothing would hurt him more than him witnessing your insensitive attitude and indifference to his trying situation. These moments would haunt him for the rest of his life. Don’t delay your service to him. The Prophet, peace be upon him, once warned us, “May he be disgraced,” repeating it three times, “who finds his parents, one or both, approaching old age, and he does not enter Paradise by serving them.” What other chance will you have to serve your father?
As your father’s strength fails, he would require more attention and care, and more consideration of his even more sensitive feelings. He may become irritated and uneasy much quicker now. It’s regarding this phase of life, Allah tells us, “Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him and that you be kind to parents. If one or both of them attain old age with you, do not say a word of annoyance (Uff) to them nor repulse them, but speak to them in gracious words and in mercy lower to them the wing of humility and say, My Lord, bestow Your mercy on hem, as they cherished me when I was little” (17:23-24). A practical example to illustrate the import of this verse would be if your father is ill and unable to go to washroom by himself, you don’t make an undesirable facial expression or say ‘uff’ in annoyance as you clean up after him. That is a true test of your gratitude towards your father.
9. Ease Your Father’s Transition into Retirement and Senior Phase: Every aging father has a fear of the unknown and financial insecurity, as he approaches 60’s. Comfort him constantly that you will do your best to support him in your capacity. Request him not to stress over the retirement phase. Brainstorm ideas and develop a plan and budget together so he feels secure. Also suggest creative projects and community activities for him to get involved as he retires. Knowing he has a loving and caring companion to rely on in the arduous journey ahead should be heartening and reassuring enough for him.
Filed under Family, Muslim Youth
“Change” is the vogue today. “Change” is being chanted by the presidential candidates to rally up public support; “Change” is being demanded by the masses suffering due to skyrocketing fuel and commodity prices; “Change”, a drastic one indeed, is what we are witnessing with awe in the global weather patterns.
For Muslims, Ramadan is the prime time for change. This intense, one-month boot camp dramatically alters our routines and schedules. From tight sleep schedules, to starvation for extended hours, to reduction in consumption of junk foods, to a technology diet, to withdrawal from caffeine addiction, to lengthy standing in Taraweeh prayers at night, to extensive listening to the Quran. What a change indeed!
The real change, however, Ramadan demands of us is the internal change – a change that positively transforms our lifestyle, character, attitudes, conversations, and habits. Allah has described this change in the month of Ramadan as follows: “so you may exercise self-restraint (Taqwa)” [Quran 2:183].
If our change is limited to outer physical practices only, we become slaves to Ramadan, instead of being servants to Ar-Rahman (Allah, the Merciful).
Prophet Muhammad has warned us about those who don’t fast from bad behaviour:
“Allah has no interest in any person’s abstention from eating and drinking, if that person does not give up lying and dishonest actions” [Sahih al-Bukhari].
Every Ramadan we make resolutions and tell ourselves: “This Ramadan will be different. I’m going to change my ______ habit.” “I will give up ………”, “I will take my practice of Islam to the next level”. But how many of us are really able to follow through? Plenty of good intentions, many amazing wishes, but sadly enough, life goes on as usual the morning of Eid.
Ask yourself, how is my fasting benefiting my spiritual connection with Allah? How is my extensive worship in Ramadan helping me discipline my tongue (taste and speech), eyes, ears, and habits?
Are you ready to take that first step to transform your bad habits into good ones?
Few things are more demanding than eliminating bad habits, since they are part of our daily routines and personality. It takes days of patience and practice to break old habits.
However, the good news is, Ramadan offers a perfect and natural environment for moral training. Interestingly, researches from “positive psychology” (scientific study of successful people) have repeatedly shown it takes 30 days to kick a bad habit and develop a new one.
In addition to the physical discipline in the 30-day boot camp of Ramadan, the increased spiritual exercise and connection with Allah, can transform your habits for life.
Try these proven techniques for a successful positive change in your habits (during Ramadan and beyond!):
1. Acknowledge and identify your bad habits: First step is to admit you need to change. If you are in a state of denial, you won’t recognize that you have a bad habit to change.
2. Pick a habit for 30 days: Prioritize your bad habits and focus on one for 30 days. Take a 30-day trial to re-condition your habits. If you are committed to changing at least one habit, you will see remarkable results, God-willing.
3. Realize that it’s in us to change: Don’t believe the old saying, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.” You can break a bad habit if you really want to. No one else can change your habits, if you don’t want to.
4. Remember, Allah loves those who commit mistakes and repent: Prophet Muhammad said:
“By Him in Whose Hand is my life, if you were not to commit sin, Allah would sweep you out of existence and He would replace (you by) those people who would commit sin and seek forgiveness from Allah, and He would have pardoned them.” [Sahih Muslim]
5. Intention & plan to change: “If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.” A healthy process of change in character requires a gradual pace, which entails planning. Develop concrete milestones to measure your progress.
6. Replace a bad habit with a good one: Completely eliminating a habit is more challenging than replacing it with a more productive habit. Moreover, it’s crucial to replace the lost natural needs, such as the need to socialize and to be entertained with something healthy.
For instance, it’s easier to replace or balance your addiction to TV with a physical workout or reading, than to suddenly remove the TV from your life. Interestingly, Prophet Muhammad, the greatest ‘psychologist’ of humanity, illustrated this principle in these words:
“Fear Allah wherever you may be; follow up an evil deed with a good one which will wipe (the former) out, and behave good-naturedly towards people.” [At-Tirmidhi]
7. Change your environment: Resist the negative peer pressure by finding a better company of friends. Collective action to change is very powerful. Prophet Muhammad explained this peer pressure effect with this analogy:
“A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace.” [Sahih al-Bukhari & Muslim]
8. Exercise (physical and spiritual): A habit of regular physical exercise is obviously important for lasting weight loss. But you may not realize that exercise helps in eliminating a number of bad habits. For example, among smokers who become competitive runners, for example, over 80% give up smoking.
Moreover, exercising your will power (struggle to fight temptations) for 30 days helps you kick all kinds of bad habits and form new good ones. Willpower is like a muscle; the more you exercise it, the more you strengthen it.
9. Think of yourself as a changed, different, new person: This simple psychological shift in your thinking about your own image can do wonders. Tell yourself, “I can’t continue this ill-behaviour. I am better than that. I am stronger. I am wiser.”
10. Reward success: The most fundamental law in all of psychology is the “law of effect.” It simply states that actions followed by rewards are strengthened and likely to recur. Unfortunately, studies show that people rarely use this technique when trying to change personal habits.
Setting up formal or informal rewards for success greatly increases your chances of transforming bad habits into good ones, and is far more effective than punishing yourself for bad habits or setbacks. As Muslims we should also remember that the ultimate reward is Allah’s Pleasure and Paradise in the Hereafter.
11. Schedule / limit your bad habits: If you are really struggling to kick a bad habit, try limiting the habit to a specific time and place. Research and case studies confirm that this rather unconventional approach can be a useful first step in changing bad habits or learning new good ones.
12. Tell someone about your effort to change if it helps: He or she may keep you on track.
13. Resolve to continue on and follow up: Giving up bad habits or learning good habits requires regular maintenance and determination. It is a long, ongoing process, also known as “Tazkiyyah” in Islamic terminology. It’s more difficult than the first few steps of change. (“How many times have I dieted, for example, only to gain the weight back?”)
14. Remind yourself of death and hereafter often: “Remember often the terminator (or destroyer) of all the pleasures [i.e. death],” the Prophet once stated. [At-Tirmidhi.]
15. Develop a relapse strategy: How do you ensure not to return to your bad habit you are trying to change? Some people donate money to a good cause every time they return to sinning or a bad habit. This reminds them of the ‘cost’ of going back to old bad habits. Others try physically demanding acts to deter them from reverting to old ways.
16. Ask Allah for help: Last but not least, make Asking for Allah’s Help an integral part of the overall change process. Ask for Allah’s Help before, during and after every attempt at kicking a bad habit. Do so sincerely, even begging and crying, like a child does when he or she really wants something. Allah is Ever-Willing to Help and to Respond to our needs, but it is us who must take the first step towards Him.
“And whosoever is conscious of Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He (Allah) will make a way for him to get out (from) every (difficulty), and He will provide him from (sources) he could never imagine.” [Quran 65:2-3]
Filed under Personal Development
MyInkspiration 